(Or when I become extremely bitter about everything.)
One of the things people don't tend to consider of a caregiver is that they might have the potential of being bitter or regretful about how their life has turned out. Granted, for the more traditional parental caregiver who's lived their own life and is taking on the role in the twilight of their own years, this attitude could logically be construed as being selfish, needy, and immature. But in the guise of someone who, like me, is a nontraditional parental caregiver, these feelings have validity and merit.
I regret being forced into this role so early in my life, before I had the chance to launch into my own life and do my own thing. I desperately wish I had had the opportunity to transition smoothly from college to career, do the bar and club scene for a few years, sow my wild oats, eventually settle down and start my own family, and set up my own household before I had to begin the task of being responsible for my parents' well-being. Unfortunately for me, I was forced to forego all of that because of what ended up happening at first with my late dad, then with my mom. Even more unfortunately, while there are plenty of resources available for the traditional caregiver who would've had the opportunity to live their own lives first before taking on the role, there are precious few for caregivers such as myself, who are in considerably greater need of assistance and guidance. I think even if we don't show outward signs of it, we're still filled with regret and bitterness about having been stuck in this role long before we were ready to take it on and before we got an opportunity to live our own lives.
These thoughts fill my mind every now and then when I'm lying down in bed late at night and visited me last night, after typing out my last entry. At first I thought about the "dear friend" of mine who inspired me to start up the blog and how wise he was to guide me in that direction, but then I thought of how close we are to having a full-fledged relationship and how difficult that's been for me because of my committments to my mother. And I have to admit that I feel terrible that I need him more than he needs me because of what I mentioned in the previous paragraph; he's had the opportunity to live his own life, do his own thing, date around, and develop numerous relationships throughout his life; he, therefore, knows there are other people out there and that another relationship is possible for him. I, on the other hand, only got the opportunity to get into one or two relationships before my caregiving duties made it impossible for me to seek out more, and I never had the opportunity to date around or live my own life; I don't know that there would be other people out there for me and fear that another relationship for me would be considered impossible. These thoughts plague me, but I would never dare voice them to my mother because I don't want her to feel that she's responsible for my sad excuse of a "love life", even though she kinda is.
Another thing that's difficult for me to process is any time there are media portrayals of young people living exciting lives, having relationships (or even relationship problems!), being engaged, planning out their weddings, and getting married. Every time I see something like that and my mom is around, I have to either disengage completely from what I'm seeing or fight with all my might my need to cry bitter tears of disappointment and rage. It gets even worse when it comes to portrayals of engagement and marriage, because that is something that I have the least confidence in ever happening to me and it's extremely difficult for me to feel happy for anyone who's getting to do this one thing that I just don't feel could ever possibly be in the cards for me. Those feelings come close to being rage-filled when you're talking about people considerably younger than me who've been able to get married -- rage that they get to experience all that joy and happiness and have that whole day in honor of them when I have never been further away from that life goal and rage that I have to deal with the innumerable challenges of balancing work with parental caregiving while they don't have anything even remotely as challenging or difficult to deal with in their own lives (and no, the more typical stressors of career and maintaining a household aren't even in the same realm of difficulty). When these thoughts swim around in my head, I can get really, really sad and mournful and wonder how it could be possible for a God to exist that would make life so unfair for me, or what the hell should be so fucking worth it for me in the future that I should be in this much of a need of being "punished" now.
Because yeah, this sure as hell feels like punishment most days of my life. Especially when I have to deal with my mother, who is so averse to taking certain medications that it negatively impacts her mood. Her irritability means that even on those relatively rare occasions when I feel like being happy, dealing with her makes me unhappy. The only time I have for myself most days is relegated to late at night, when I'm so tired and worn out that I don't derive much enjoyment out of anything. It's so difficult for me to find the time to do anything for myself that all I have to fall back on is eating, and I'm so tired of being self-sacrificing in my role as caregiver that I can't be self-sacrificing elsewhere in my life.
These are my realities. Or, rather, my great big nightmare of a reality. Back to non-venting in the next post.
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